Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Hair Club for Hockey Men

Men of hockey, you know that getting your hair back will make you look good and improve your self-confidence like no diet or exercise program. Its a proven fact that having a thicker, fuller head of hair makes you look and feel younger, healthier, and sexier. You can get your hair back (sort of), just by calling Hair Club for Hockey Men.

Call Now!

Hair Club offers all proven hair loss solutions, including surgical and non-surgical options, (mostly non-surgical).

"What seperates us here at the HCFHM, is that we don't have all that fancy, new fangled technology of the more reputable hair replacement companies, no, no. We use the more traditional methods of shamefully hiding your baldness with tried and true methods that for some reason, continue to exist despite their ineffectiveness." - Dr. Pepper

Take, for example, our first success story, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman...

The infamous Commissioner Bettman choose to elect the oldest known baldness remedy known as the toupee. As a New Yorker, the Commish decided to go in the style of one of his favorite New York sports announcers, and selected the "Marv," made famous by the cross-dressing, back biting Knicks sportscaster, Marv Alberts. Look at the confidence, and shear pleasure it gives Gary just by wearing it.

Here at the HCFHM, we know that some cue balls are on a budget, and we offer cost effective solutions as well, like Jerome Russell's Spray-On-Hair!

Coming in a variety of colors and shades of humility, Anaheim Ducks forward Ryan Getzlaf chose this method to "fill-in" his growing lunar landing pad...

Can you see the differnence its made in his game and self-confidence? He's ready for a post-game celebration, ladies. Just remember to wipe up those drips Ryan!

And here we have one of our senior members of the League, veteran forward Keith Tkachuk. For Walt, we chose a different method of self-assurance to help him through his senior years, we used the "situation relocation" program. Look at how sad, and depressed he is in that shade of blue, with spotty gray hairs on his dome...

And now, in a different shade of blue, (slightly better). And we just used a simple helmet to cover up the in patient's head, and voila! A big, (fake) toothy smile!

On occasion, situations are so dire that we will need to resort to surgical procedures. In this case, we will contact our largely (un-)qualified doctor from Honduras to step in and make the appropriate adjustment. In this instance, you see hockey analyst Pierre McGuire's expression after just being told he looks like a tortoise...

A little nip here, and another there, and there you have it! "Turtle-replacement" therapy, getting this little feller back where he belongs in the wild.

Here at the HCFHM we are a non-segregating organization and will allow pretty much any ol' asshole who is somewhat involved in hockey to receive our state-of-the-art treatments, so that they can go on to live a happier, fuller life.

Take billionaire Jim Balsillie who recently received word from the League that he would no longer be eligible to own a hockey team. You can see the utter frustration, and unresolved feelings he retains in that massive forehead of his. Well don't tell this man to stop believing!
Look at that! Sometimes the cheapest methods work the best for the richest bastards. We call this method "Occam's Razor," realizing that sometimes the simplest solution is the best one. And that a razor is the only way to make someone's head that shiny.

Of course there are times when even those tried and true methods won't work, and we have to resort to what we here like to call "media perversion." The mainstream hockey media has learned that the best way to eliminate Mike Keenan's baldness (without completely eliminating him from relevancy) is to cut off his head in photos. Sorry Mike, it doesn't work for everybody.
Like we said, any ol' asshole.

1 comment:

walkinvisible said...

soooo much to say. sooooo tired