You Only Go As Far As Your Goalie Can Take You...

...and other Playoff cliches. Without the accent.

Alarm struck into the heart of thousands this morning, as hockey fans realized they were only five to seven games away from quests for the Cup, or quests for the Clubhouse bar.

Its April, and there's a few teams headed for the playoffs that didn't deal with their goaltending issues prior to the deadline. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Let's look at those schmucks, shall we?

There's not many, but there's a few interesting goaltending situations on the horizon, and I think the obvious one is Detroit.

Chris Osgood has looked as stable as the kid in 'Smokin' Aces.' Just when you start praising him, he falls off the wagon. Then again he did steal the job from the Dominator last year, and backstopped the Wings all the way. I just don't see that happening this year, just as I don't see the Wings repeating. Even with Ty Conklin in his backup role, emerging from the shadows to take Detroit on a hot streak as he did for the Pens last year when Fleury went down. The winged wheel just looks too much like a bullseye.

Next up, your friendly Philadelphia Flyers.

Holmgren was a sure bet to try and work some magic to remedy the goaltending situation, but he didn't fix it last year, and he didn't pull the trigger this year. FLUNK. Biron was ordinary in the regular season both this year and last, but he came alive during last year's postseason and the Flyers rode him all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals. Maybe he can pull it off again, but Antero Niittymaki is a backup at best, and if Biron can't fill the shoes, than Philly is as good as done.

The Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks.

Oh I'm sorry you got rid of the 'Mighty' with your old logo? Well the new one sucks too. As does your $6 million/year starting goaltender, Mr. J.S. Giguere. Your 27-year old Swiss backup has stolen the rug out from under him, and he's a bargain at $1.3 million playing half the season (41 games) at that. That's cheaper than Todd Bertuzzi's buyout. But who knows if the kid can carry the heavy load of the playoffs, but I don't think Jiggy's up for it this year. Fucking ashlo.

Speaking of young goaltenders, lets talk about the Montreal Canadiens.

Jesus Price has not lived up to his savior possibilites. As the Canadiens, i.e. Bob Gainey make one mistake after another, the pressure builds on a successful Centennial season, as commemorative coins are minted, and the province markets itself as a paradise for at-home sexual predators. Keep it in-house you deviants. And Jaroslav Halak, as fun as it is to say, just isn't butterin' the biscuit. With Price at 21, and Halak at 23 these two young guys are going to fold under the monumental pressure of the Hab Nots.

And that leaves us with the Washington Crapitals.

No way Jose, you stink worse than the goaltending situation you left in Colorado. Since his epic start in Montreal, its been nothing but a fall from grace for Teddy. Frankly I've got more confidence in Brent Johnson, and Simeon Varlamov, and probably Brett Leonhardt than in Jose Theodore keeping the Caps in the hunt. But that's not saying much, since one of those guys is more web-based.