Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Biggest Disappointments of this Season

Teams and their Scapegoat edition. There are so many, where to start, where to start.

After a surprising run to the Conference finals last season, Big D took a nosedive with everything from injury bugs, to emotional breakdowns, to poor Sean Avery being used as excuses. Big things were expected from the Stars this year, but magical Mikey, and last year's deadline acquisition/Conn Smythe dreamboat Brad Richards couldn't pull it off.

Familiar image Marty? I just heard Les Jackson on NHL Home Ice and he said, "We've got to take a look and see if we can get Marty some help." Is that mental help, Leslie? Turco is almost single-handedly responsible for the meltdown of the Stars this year. And is now reigning king of the ugliest pads in the league since MA Fleury dropped his banana slug monstrosities.

The San Jose Sharks are making tee times, instead of planning parade routes, and where to spend their day with the Cup. It was funny in previous season when the Sharks would play well throughout the regular season, and then eventually lose it in the postseason. This year, when they were all-but destined to win it, they have solidified their team as a joke. No one showed up, but one of them should take it harder than anyone else...

Jumbo Joe "No Show" Thornton. Yeah, he's probably sitting at home in his Bruins jersey crying, maybe bloody, wishing he was still playing for Beantown. It sucks Joe, I know, and you may have never asked for all this attention, but you got it with all your slick, no look precision passes, and your jovial personality. You are going to shoulder the load wherever you go, so don't try to run away to another team by demanding a trade, you'll be responsible for all their failures as well. Just take it like a man, and make us assholes eat our words.

Its going shitty for the Florida Panthers. That's about right for the Cats, shrouded in blue, with a red asshole. They got fucked, missing out on a very necessary postseason this year. But they would have been shredded by the B's anyway. Would you rather have them make a run like St. Louis only to be trampled? No, instead the most memorable thing from their season is the chick with the nice tits. Oh well, at least its Florida.

No, I can't take credit for this dandy, but I will use it to my advantage. This is probably the most accurate portrayal I've seen in a long time, and if Florida doesn't send Martin out on a rail then they're going to have a red asshole down there for a lot longer. As long as that guy is picking up paychecks from the Panthers front office, then that team is still getting fucked in the Alps. Jacques biggest screw up has to be not pulling the trigger on a Bouwmeester deal. That will be the talk all summer long until July 1st.

People expected the Coyotes to do well this year. I'm not sure why, but maybe it was more that they needed to do well, not necessarily that they could do well. The franchise is struggling is the understatement of the year, with the media blitzkrieg this morning of the NHL wiping the doomed franchise's ass. This team was out of it by Christmas, and although they've drafted pretty well, and picked up some young talent at the deadline, I would say they are no closer to the postseason next year, than they are this year.

"I'm the Great One you fat bastard!" I swear you type in 'Gretzky coach' in an image search, and every picture is him screaming, or him with Janet, the gambling junkie. Know where she gets the money? Wayne's salary for his shitty job of coaching the Coyotes is somewhere in the neighborhood of $7 to $8million. Not bad for a team that can't afford to pay its rent. If Gretz was the savior the NHL made him out to be, he would have personally willed this team to do better. Instead only Shane Doan does.

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