Sh!tting on Kovalchuk

C'mon, who doesn't deserve a Cleveland Steamer for dressing like this?

I've had just about all I can take of this Kovalchuk clusterfuck, and here I am about to banter on about it, and you know why? Because nothing else is happening because no one wants to parts with pieces they might need to land this backchecking phenom. Unless of course you're Darryl Sutter.

From Elliotte Friedman of CBC...
"Calgary doesn't appear likely, as sources say the two teams never even discussed Dion Phaneuf, who would have made sense as a part of any package."

Gee Daz, you might have been able to land Kovy for the same price you paid for half the Leafs squad. Don't worry Chief Smiles-a-lot, I think you made the right decision.

But therein lies the question... Do you really want this fucker?

We broke down that simple idea not all that long ago, largely in part to the great work of the Falconer over at Bird Watchers Anonymous, (please see specific example). Right now the Atlanta Journal Constitution has reported directly from Kovy's agent, Jay Grossman, that they are...
"seeking the maximum salary allowed under the collective bargaining agreement, which is 20 percent of the salary cap, or roughly $11.3 million per season. Grossman confirmed that he has not come off that number during negotiations and was asking for a “lifetime” contract in the 10-to-12-year range."

The only thing that comes to mind is, 'are you out of your fucking mind?!'

So let me get this straight, you are looking for a contract in the $113million to $135.6million range to tie a team up that's been to the playoffs once, and that's even questionable, for the next decade or so? That's going to keep you around these parts here? Well here's my check book Kovalchuk, just rip one out and you fill in the amount, hopefully it will clear.

More like don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out you selfish prick. Shit, for a couple more million you could buy the Tampa Bay Lightning.

And then, when questioned about his salary demands, he pulls the 'I got kids too ya know' card... "it should be a good deal for everybody, not just one side. You know? We are [hockey players], but I have a family and three kids, too."

Buddha Reynolds from Hockey Wilderness nailed it with this counter...
"You get a lot of over draft notices, do ya, Ilya? Trouble finding enough bread to feed your poor, starving children?"

Any Owner willing to part with that kind of money should have his head checked. Any General Manager willing to type out that contract should be fired, and maybe even shot on sight. And yet they're all lining up to sniff his hind parts.

Don got authorization to offer a 7yr./$70mil deal and a 10yr./$101mil deal. Even the rock that is the Atlanta ownership was willing to offer their dimming future to keep him in the fold. And Ilya and his buddy Jay said 'No, this is what we want, and they'll be no ifs ands or buts about it,' despite telling DW and Atlanta all along that he loved it here, and wants to stay.

So what does Waddell do? He tells the world, Ilya will be traded, and everyone starts inhaling the fumes, and give it real consideration. What does ol' Donny boy want in return? Oh not much, just a top six forward, a top four defenseman, and either a high pick or promising prospect as non-returnable collateral to rent this kilt-wearing wonder.

So now we know the parts that needed to make it fly, do we have 'em? Are we willing to part with 'em? Matt Reitz takes a look at the heads needed to be placed on proverbial block.

Bruins need that kind of shake-up considering their freefall, but is Chiarelli willing to part with lovely Lucic or Julien scapegoat Wideman to get him?

Can the Rangers afford to put both he and Gaborik on the payroll? Is Sather that stupid? Apparently not, since he's showing the 'Hell No' face to Waddell on giving up Dubinsky, Callahan, Del Zotto, or anyone else that's remotely shown promise in that organization.

Does Chicago really want another winger? I thought they were looking to add to the defense and maybe goaltending since Huet's never won a playoff series, and Niemi's never seen a second of it.

Same for San Jose, Dougie Wilson's notorious for making a big splash (and his team a big flop) at the deadline to make his team better, but I thought the need was for defense with the departure of Ehrhoff and injuries to the blueline.

And the Devils... I can't even begin to think how in the hell this would happen. Let me get this straight hockey experts, you want to put defensively-deficient Ilya into the Jacques, albeit offensively-deficient, system and expect that to be a harmonious marriage? 'Get out of my room, seriously, get the fuck out.'

The Flyers would have to send Braydon Coburn back to Atlanta after stealing him for Zhitnik. Holmgren won't do that just based on principle alone, even though he's the same idiot that gave Scott Hartnell a no-trade clause.

Gillis supposedly called Waddell to find out the parts, but promptly hung up the phone after hearing the assets. Smart man.

Ken Holland is also a rumored mystery suitor for his services, but that man has proved before that he's no fool. On the other hand, he's smart enough to hand Waddell a bag of shit and convince him that the key to immortality is inside, while making off with Kovy, (and Waddell's dignity).

So who's left?

Well you could see a dumb shit like Garth Snow and Vera Wang retarded enough to hand over that kind of money for that kind of term. Hell DiPietro's only in the third or fourth year of his deal, and they'll be paying Yashin over $2mil until 2015.

Edmonton? Nobody wants to go to Edmonton. But in all honesty, Kovalchuk doesn't care where he goes, even if its the KHL, just as long as they pay him there.

And so we come down to the Kings, who everyone seems to agree that's the only logical destination. Is Dean Lombardi, the man who has carefully been stockpiling his weapons of mass destruction, willing to finally push the button and send the hockey world all a flutter? Given his recent rhetoric on Jack Johnson's cultivation in college hockey, he would seem willing to deal that piece, and Frolik, who's been nothing short of a flunky on the day of his big test. There's two, got one more Dean? One more, and he's all yours Dean.

Nope, Dean wants assurance that he can keep Kovy for longer than July 1st, as does everyone else who's willing to put up top players and picks to bring him in. That's going to be the sticking point that's going to force Waddell to take less than what he's asking for in order to get something, anything for him, before he walks away for nothing.

Somebody get it done, please. I'm tired of it. Somebody (from the KHL) step up and give him the check that he so rightfully deserves. So that he can feed his hungry kids. And buy a new kilt.