Choking... No Not the Sharks

While I originally wanted to write something about the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation while masterbating (you really should have a spotter) to the Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (a.k.a. Alex Ovechkin vs. Sidney Crosby) series, I instead felt the need to jump on another bandwagon.

I've been perusing the blogroll and reading all the articles pertaining to the Phoenix situation, and it seems if the pieces are all there, but they aren't put together. I'm going to try and simply it for you dumplings.

Okay you know what, fuck that. That'll take too fucking long, I'm just going to bulletpoint that shit for you mutts.

What's happened...

• Phoenix sucks, and pretty much always has. Who wants to go see a shitty on-ice product? Not even white trash with free tickets from Smirnoff purchases.


• The team is hemorraging money, and it sounds as if owner Jerry Moyes's other business are tanking too.


• Moyes offers up the 'Yotes for sale.


• Without the media finding out, right away anyway, the League steps in and bails out the franchise with a loan. Part of the deal is that the League is moderately involved in all major decisions. The key element to note is that this takes place before the trade deadline.


• At the deadline, the Coyotes take salary off of teams that are planted between a rock and the cap. The Rangers dump three or four players, and the Flyers more or less hand over Scottie Upshall.


• The Phoenix Coyotes are officially eliminated from the 2009 playoffs. As if we didn't know that already.


• The Phoenix Coyotes file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Within the filing there is the condition that a buyer is available, with the contingent that the franchise is moved to Southern Ontario. We originally suspect and eventually discover that the buyer is Jim Balsillie.


• The League (Gary) says WTF? and we're going to fight this. Since the franchise is being financially supported, and formally governed, and therefore in some indirect way property of the League, the team has no place to declare bankruptcy.


• Word comes out that Jerry Reinsdorf, owner of the Chicago Bulls, and White Sox, was working with the League and the City of Phoenix (Glendale) was working to buy the team and keep them in Arizona. (Because the Blackhawks are already in Chicago, and Springfield just doesn't have the balls.)
  

And that's pretty much where we're at, Gary and his band of lawyer trolls are in bankruptcy court today "protecting their interests."

The simple facts...

• Expansion teams in non-traditional markets, yeah we're gonna beat that one to death for a hot second. First of all, the move of the Minnesota NorthStars to Dallas baffled me. To me that signaled the start of the NHL putting its dick in holes it had no business sticking it. The addition of a team in Florida and giving Disney a team so close to the Kings fueled that thought as well. However within the last few years we have seen teams in NTM be successful and win Cups. Think Tampa, think Carolina, and most recently Anaheim, no longer a Mickey Mouse operation. (Sorry.) So the theory is correct, you can place a team anywhere and be successful, as long as you have smart hockey people running the operation and making it a success. Phoenix has never enjoyed success, even modestly. I believe the thought was with Gretzky behind the bench as the second coming of Christ, and the influx of youth with all of these accumulated draft picks that the team would have a bright future, or at least humble results. That has not happened, hence failure in the desert.


• The economy is in the crapper, with no signs of relief in sight. Minor league hockey teams are folding all over the country, its not unreasonable to think that there are other NHL teams/owners in financial trouble.


• Jobing.com Arena - Aside from its atrocious name, the rink itself is actually really cool. What's not cool is that the team is taking it in the ass from the City of Glendale, who owns the facility, and collects all parking, usage, and all other bullshit fees that in most cities go to the franchise. That's a huge chunk of money that will need to be negotiated with the City and new buyers.


• Moyes and the Coyotes appear as if they tried to pull a fast one on the League by just all of a sudden declaring Chapter 11. They had to know the League would jump all over that, even if they didn't have their hand in the proverbial cookie jar with their franchise bailout. I'm not so sure the maneuver was just to allow Balsillie to get his dirty hands on it and call the movers before Gary knew what was going on.


• Its obvious Bettman doesn't want Balsillie in his boys club for failing to obey the unwritten code of kowtowing before the Board of Governors not once, but twice, and is now going for a third time. Bettman will probably fight tooth and nail to keep Balsillie out since he crossed him, whether or not Jim's desire to place a team in Southern Ontario is good for the League or not.


• To be fair, Jimmy-boy Baldy hasn't played nice either, selling season tickets for the Hamilton Predators before anything even remotely got approved. Nashville fans cried holy hell, and got a few high rollers to bankroll the team's stay in Country Music USA. Can you even imagine the Penguins relocating considering how entrenched they are now?


• Balsillie has been hellbent in his desire to bring a team to Canada, more specifically Southern Ontario, as his new website asking for fan support makeitseven.ca illustrates. Couple his obsession, with local support, and the Canadian media's relentless seige to make the Winnipeg Jets, I mean Phoenix Coyotes, their own again, and something's gonna give.


• The League, I mean Gary, wants to keep the team in Phoenix. Whether that's little Gary not willing to admit when he's wrong, or him being foolish enough to think that it can survive, is another matter. But if in fact Reinsdorf is seriously interested in retaining the team, then that's maybe all it takes. Until he starts losing money.


• We've all questioned fanbases before, and they've fired back and kept their teams. I'm not sure if the Coyotes have the support that have kept other teams in their digs, but I know of at least one blog that's making some noise, and by the sound of it drumming up more unrest. Community support will be crucial in keeping this team in Phoenix.
  

Bottom line is that the Coyotes are in trouble and they need some serious help.

-No shit Captain Obvious.

Can the Coyotes be successful in Phoenix?

- They haven't been yet.

Does Canada, more specifically Southern Ontario want another team?

-Hell motherfuckin' yeah.

Whether or not any of those things change we will see within the next few weeks.